And so another Sunday league season started on a gloomy day on the
Nick Rice Oval in the happiest town in Britain. Some things had
changed at the 'Wood, others hadnt. The captain was still a gay real
estate agent from Hatch End, the inevitable stink of yesterdays
Saturday 1's loss hung in the air and the pitch looked slow and
low. However the pro was not asleep with a hangover and there was not
an urchin in sight so the signs looked good. Suffice to say the warmup
was not strenuous nor actually done at all, however being a team of
highly tuned athletes on a strict diet of curry and lager it was no
problem.
It is not known whether the before mentioned homosexual captain won or
lost the toss, but referred to often as an absolute tosser it is
believed he won and chose to bat. He then sent out the token team Jew
and Hodgkinson A, who soon both headed back for little reward. An
onlooker was heard to remark that the left handed opener was as tight
with runs to the total as he usually was with his money. A brief cameo
was given by a Kiwi who then provided an easy wicket to the
oppositions talentless spinner, and recently in form yankee batsman
Bone was plumb to Curtley Ambroses British cousin for a golden
blob. The professional wrestler was then out to leave the home team in
a bad state, although the triumphant dance he showed when scoring his
first run of the season was worth the price of admission alone. Then
in stepped the Count and it was time to play darts. The wannabe quicks
were then dealt with all around the Common with pure power and
elegance, quite a mean feat for a player who only last year could not
hit a barn door with a banjo. Ted Hankeys fine performance (and Snr
Tylers first EVER defensive shot display) left the oppo 186 tricky
runs to collect off fine bowling such as the Tyler twins (as informed
by Rothband) the Welsh speedster and Rothband + Hodgkinson A if things
got close.
The Kiwi and the poof started well with chances created but luck
seemed to be going the visitors way. It was then thrown over to
Hodgkinson R, who followed his impressive display from the previous
day of being run out without facing a ball with a great seamers
performance for 3-28. Junior Tyler then bagged the frankly talentless
but effective #4 for 50 odd and it was game on at the
'Wood. Unfortunately the Kiwi then bowled like a prat, further proving
nasty rumours that he could never bowl at all, and merely told the
club he could in order to get a free trip to London. The game was lost
by a mere 2 wickets and the 2004 campaign was off to a bumpy start,
further worsened when found out the next game against mortal enemies
Old Merchant Cheaters was to be cancelled in favour of a cup game at
the advice of 3 members who clearly missed the warfare at OMT's only
the year before.
Player of the day clearly goes to the mighty Count, who not only
scored 84* and 3 wickets, but also screamed like a tart when struck
lightly in the face and soldiered on for his team. It must also be
said his hair was gorgeous and never moved throughout. Unfortunately a
ganja and dance party in the away changing rooms provided a sour end
to a good days cricket, especially as we were not invited. Two special
mentions, first to keeper Andy for his fighting spirit and carried
tradition of never backing down to the opposition, and the whole team
for doing the jobs after the game in record fast time, for completely
no reason at all. Well done lads. It must also be noted that several
players manhoods were tested in the showers afterwards, apparently the
oppo were caught brandishing large black truncheons between their
legs.
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